Ok the way I put it may be a bit of a misnomer. Since when have I ever even blogged that frequently? I’m going to be bloody honest and brutal with myself from now on. No more cover ups. No more slyly avoiding questions. No more excuses.
Just 110% downright brutal honesty. The way I should’ve been more with my writing and my blog.
Never. I’ve never been one to upload anything quite frequently. I fall into creative slumps and blocks quite frequently. I’m also an important inhabitant of this place called ‘Procrasti-Nation’, but let’s talk about that one a bit further down the line.
Heck, I don’t even have a proper blogging schedule. I’ve always been that kind of dodgy person who calls herself a writer but then doesn’t put out anything or show any results. And it’s kind of always been fine that way.
Lately though, I’ve noticed that I seem to be quite dissatisfied. I’m not quite sure about what exactly – it’s a multitude of factors. I probably owe some explanations – let’s begin shall we?
1. I fell out of love
Okay, not even going to lie anymore. I don’t feel the same way about blogging as I used to. I’ve long left the honeymoon phase and things are quickly sliding through comfort to gradual indifference.
Hell naw, did I really just admit to that?
And why the hell do I sound so sassy all of a sudden? Is this the real me? Is this – all inhibitions removed, every false pretence and cover up stripped off from me – what my real voice actually sounds like?
Okay, maybe more like I fell out of love with the specific way I was mindlessly churning out bullcrap and pretending it was ‘blogging’.
I know there’s still a spark somewhere deep down within, but right now my brain and my heart are kind of in denial. Or at least torn. Between about a gazillion other things that need to be done, which brings me to my next point.
2. Other things to do
I took a break from blogging knowing I wasn’t in the right mindset to write anything of quality at this stage of my life. I had too much on my plate. A freakin’ double degree and exams and a job to do and extracurricular commitments to handle. And even now, when I’m on break from uni until September, I’m still hustling restlessly, working four days a week, planning adventures and great-escapes to Europe and readying my mind for my upcoming five-months-abroad/exchange program. I’ve been booking flights, train tickets, coaches, signing accommodation contracts, banking and this and that. Heck it’s been a lot to handle.
Okay, I said I wouldn’t come up with excuses. Many other bloggers have a busy lifestyle don’t they? But my point is, I don’t want to write something just for the sake of it. It’s either you put in 101% or nothing at all. To me, there’s no in between.
I’ve been so distracted by everything else that’s going on that I don’t want to write something half-heartedly and for the sake of it. I want to write because I’m on fire (metaphorically). I want to feel the passion flowing through my veins as I’m typing away. Some of my posts from the past are absolutely shocking. I may have been half-hearted in the past, but thats a trip down memory lane that I’m over and don’t want to tread again. Onwards and upwards!
3. Other personal goals
Okay, this ones kind of similar to the one before, but I took time off blogging to focus on other personal goals that I need to make time for. Just to name a few – exercise and play sports more often, detoxing more often from social media and reading more (I aim to reach 24 books by the end of this year – someone give me a kick in the butt please because I’m behind (get it? No?).
The time I’ve taken off has really helped and I actually feel quite refreshed now and I think I’m pretty much ready to tackle whatever comes my way now.
Yep – this is also unfortunately one of the reasons I’ve been inactive on my blog.
Unfortunately I still get kinda unsettled and feel inferior when I look at how other bloggers are performing. Look! Their lives look perfect! All the places they’re going and travelling and how many devoted readers they have. And there’s just me, a potato who can’t even bring herself to write nothing and is sitting on her ass all day.
But you know what? Fuck that. I run things how I want and I’m not going to compare myself with others. I’m a pretty dope person anyway, GOOD blog or BAD. My blog doesn’t define me but it’s a pretty dope part of me.
The only person I need compete with is myself. I’ve already made some big changes to my life, I’m improving one step at a time, and I’m on a ROLLERCOASTER THAT ONLY GOES’ UP (Sorry Augustus Waters, I kind of borrowed your quote.)
SO IN SUMMARY:
I know I still love blogging. Sometimes I feel up and down about it, and that’s normal. Sometimes I just need a bit of time to reflect, to enjoy life, to work on personal goals and to stop doubting and that’s okay too. I still want to pursue blogging, but at my own pace and with a little more truth and personality in my writing.